The Dirty Jokes Thread [NSFW]

[Audiophile]

a catholic, a protestant, a muslim and a jew were in a discussion during a dinner.
Catholic: I have a large fortune....i am going to buy citibank!
Protestant: I am very wealthy and will buy general motors!
Muslim: I am a fabulously rich prince.... I will buy microsoft!
They then all wait for the jew to speak....
The jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
I'm not selling.
--

lol

[zookeeper]

Amanda and todd were having problems in there relationship so decided to get help.
Counselor- Now Todd, Tell me something posetive and something negative about Amanda's mother.
Todd- well she is a great cook, but she is sometimes very racist.
Counselor- Tell me an example.
Todd- Well last easter, we went shopping and she got in a discussion with a black man. It ended quickly, because the police broke it up. She was later charged with hat crimes.
Counselor- Why is that.
Todd- She started screaming- ABOUT 100 EARS AGO YOU Couldn't EVEN TALK WITHOUT GETTING WHIPPED 50 times!!!
COUNSELOR-know Amanda, tell me something positive about his mother and something negative.
Amanda- Well shes like a shotgun. To c***s and she blows.
Counselor- And positive?
Amanda-She doesn't kill you when she finishes blowing....But she does make you shoot.

[Ghostmorgan]

I guess some more jokes are needed out here to calm down the heat off these bad assess..

[The Mighty FV]

Amanda and todd were having problems in there relationship so decided to get help.
Counselor- Now Todd, Tell me something posetive and something negative about Amanda's mother.
Todd- well she is a great cook, but she is sometimes very racist.
Counselor- Tell me an example.
Todd- Well last easter, we went shopping and she got in a discussion with a black man. It ended quickly, because the police broke it up. She was later charged with hat crimes.
Counselor- Why is that.
Todd- She started screaming- ABOUT 100 EARS AGO YOU Couldn't EVEN TALK WITHOUT GETTING WHIPPED 50 times!!!
COUNSELOR-know Amanda, tell me something positive about his mother and something negative.
Amanda- Well shes like a shotgun. To c***s and she blows.
Counselor- And positive?
Amanda-She doesn't kill you when she finishes blowing....But she does make you shoot.

Just.....stop.

[farhanashraf]

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a
nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had
to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa "How
do you like it here?" asked the grandson

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said
grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place
for you, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,"
Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin
in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench
in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour!

There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25
years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The
Fucking Arab

[sarasin]

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a
nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had
to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa "How
do you like it here?" asked the grandson

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said
grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place
for you, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,"
Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin
in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench
in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour!

There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25
years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The
Fucking Arab

Classic bro!!

[farhanashraf]

Husband walking behind his Wife says, "Baby u become so fat...ur bums look lyk a washing machine!!''
The wife keeps quiet and keeps walking...

At night the husband asks for sex..
Wife,Sory Darling..I cant start d washing machine for such a small load !!
Why don't you do a hand wash!

[The Mighty FV]

haha great posts by farhan!

[farhanashraf]

Ole was turning 78 and was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

The doctor said, "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When Ole returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

Ole nodded... "I'll tell you though, by God, I thought I wuz gonna drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"Hell no, it wuz from all dat damn skippin!"

[the_bastet]

Two Catholics fuck a hooker. Who goes to confession?

Answer: The hooker. Shes the only one with morals.