The Dirty Jokes Thread [NSFW]

[farhanashraf]

FOR SALE - Complete set of Encyclopedia in good condition.
Reason for selling: No longer needed. Got married. Wife knows EVERYTHING!"=))

[sarasin]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.
Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

[farhanashraf]

Funny, it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians,
the Irish, the Italians, the Polish etc etc,
but its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims.
The sooner we are all on same level playing field the better.
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:


1. If you refine heroin for a living,
but you have a moral objection to liquor,
You may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000
rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes,
You may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth,
You may be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your bum with your bare hand
ut consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles:
Bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone
you haven't declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous
but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
You may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones
have uses other than setting off roadside bombs,
You may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women
and think every man should own at least four,
You may be a Muslim.

[sarasin]

HAHAHAHA...Good one!

[farhanashraf]

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane The next day, he called home to tell his father the news.

'So, did you jump?' asked the father.

'Well, let me tell you what happened,' the son said. 'We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers.
About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane.'

'Is that when you jumped?' asked his father.

'Uh, no. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.'

'Did you jump then?' asked his father

'I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump.
He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt.'

'So, did you jump?'

'No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Are you gonna jump or not?''

'I said, 'No sir, I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his
zipper and took out his you-know-what. I swear, dad, it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.''

'So, did you jump?' asked his father.

'Well, I did a little, at first.

[jakeintox]

What do Brussels sprouts and anal sex have in common?


If it was forced on you as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.

[farhanashraf]

During sex, I suddenly stop moving.. She: "What are you doing?" Me: "Shhh it's ok, I've seen this on Pornhub, it's called Buffering." =D =))

[Kalanismith]

Hahahahahahaha... nice dirty joke...I really found this place really amazing to have fun and entertainment.

[farhanashraf]

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina and he visited a fourth grade class.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ' tragedy. '
So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'
One little boy stood up and offered: If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor run him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that
would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Obama."That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room.
"Isn ' t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a ' friendly fire ' missile
and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That ' s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss...and you can bet your ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"

[sarasin]

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"