The Dirty Jokes Thread [NSFW]

[sarasin]

A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

[sarasin]

Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman..

Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day

Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

[farhanashraf]

lot of liverpool jokes! haha

[sarasin]

IRISH SAUSAGE

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two, but didn't have a lot of money between them.

They could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.


Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”

He went next door to the butcher's shop, and came out with one large sausage.


Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”

Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”


He went into the pub, where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness, and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!”

Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”

They downed their Drinks.



Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper, and you go on your knees, and put it in your mouth.”

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”

Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in!!”

[Jester]

Priests and altar boys. Now there's a touchy subject.

[farhanashraf]

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger.That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.

'My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

MY FAVORITE:My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with

[JohnnyBarbs]

Two old men who are long time friends are sitting on a park bench catching up.
One old man says to his friend, "Oh, by the way, how's your wife?"
The other old man goes, "Well, I think she's dead."
The other old man is shocked by what his friend says. "What makes you think she's dead?!?!"
The old man says, "Well, the sex is still the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up in the sink..."

[sarasin]

Lololol ^^

[The Mighty FV]

Two old men who are long time friends are sitting on a park bench catching up.
One old man says to his friend, "Oh, by the way, how's your wife?"
The other old man goes, "Well, I think she's dead."
The other old man is shocked by what his friend says. "What makes you think she's dead?!?!"
The old man says, "Well, the sex is still the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up in the sink..."

hahahaha love this!

Sarasin, your jokes are all told as if you live in Liverpool...yet it says your from cape town. Discuss.

[sarasin]

Yeah...I hate people from Liverpool!!!

Just kidding.

My dad sent em to me!

My family are originally from the UK, so i get em.