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Tony and Yvette were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said,
“Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.”
Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
“What are the greens fees?,” grumbled Tony..
“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
“Don't even ask,” said St. Peter to Tony. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,” he asked.
“That's the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!”
”No gym to work out at?” said Tony
“Not unless you want to,” was the answer.
“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...”
“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”
Tony glared at Yvonne and said, “You and your f**king Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!”
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It is nice to see all the members suddenly jumping in this thread...nice jokes all of you..
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A man walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm.
Bartender asks him "What's up with the octopus?"
He responds "$1000 says my octopus can play any instrument you put in front of it"
Bartender says "Alright, lets see it. Have it play the piano in the corner"
The guy puts the octopus on the piano and it plays it, beautifully.
People start bringing it other instruments, guitar, trumpet, accordion, it plays everything with ease.
Then someone places a set of bagpipes in front of it. It pokes around, turns it over, lifts up the drones, but doesn't play it.
The man leans in and says "Come on, play it! you're embarrassing me!"
The octopus looks up and says "Play it? I'm gonna fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get it's pajamas off!"
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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'
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On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?(Yep. You betcha. There is a moral!)
'When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks!
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Employee: sir, Santa is standing outside ur cabin with bunch of underwears in a basket. Boss: Holy shit!!! I told him to debrief his team nd meet me in 15 mins..
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My dad told me these yesterday....Fathers Day and all. I almost pissed my pants!
There once was a man named Keith
Who circumcised men with his teeth
He didn't do it for leisure
Or sexual pleasure
But did it for the cheese underneath
There was a young girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought babies came only from God.
T'wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie.
T'was Roger the Lodger, the sod!
There once was a man from Bel Air,
Who was doing his girl on the stair.
When the banister broke,
He doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.
There once was a man from Bombay
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
But the heat from his prick
Turned the damn thing to brick
And it ripped all his foreskin away.
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