The official 'JOKE' thread

[Steve_London]

Q) What do Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?











































A) Icy dead people

[sarasin]

Warning: These jokes may offend you....if so, too bad.
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Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”
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Wife says to husband, “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car.”
He replies, “If you take it up the ass and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”
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What’s the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!
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A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!”
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Got this text from my brother recently.
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.
It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

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* Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
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My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.
”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
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I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
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The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.

HAHAH...thats where I got my joke I posted!

The same bunch were forwarded to me.

[farhanashraf]

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan , KS.
I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .357 Magnum in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of. She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a fucking thing!"

[Karlos Santos]

Warning: These jokes may offend you....if so, too bad.
.

No. Thats not how it works around here. You have been warned before.

No jokes about race. When you know you will offend someone, stop and dont post it.

Ive reported your original post to Admin. You simply CANNOT post jokes about black people on this forum.

[farhanashraf]

^ sorry, take that back.

Snow is like a cock, its measured in inches, soft to the touch, cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it. Driving in the snow is like eating pussy. If you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you! BE CAREFUL THIS WINTER!!

[Zaniac]

You are full of lol's farhanashraf.

Please don't get to excited and ruin the thread by breaking the rules as Karlos has mentioned twice in this one.

keep them coming though mate



iatf

[farhanashraf]

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

My wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

[farhanashraf]

When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I didn't pass the entrance exam.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect.
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Those who spelled SPINE became Doctors.
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The rest are all my friends..

[Otacon]

Why did the scarecrow get promoted? He was out-standing in his field!

[farhanashraf]

The C.E.O. was walking in d factory, he noticed a guy leaning against the wall, looking somewhere.. He approched d man & asked him, "How much do you earn?"
guy was amazed n said, "2000, sir."
CEO took out wallet n gave the guy 6000 n told him, "I pay people here 2 work n not 2 waste time.. This is ur 3 month's salary n now get out of here NEVER come back.."
The CEO now looked at other workers & asked, "Who was that guy?"
Workers replied, "He was d pizza delivery guy sir..."