Grab gimp or a photoshop 30 day trial and go through a few tutorials online (http://www.good-tutorials.com/ is your best friend). Make a cool background, mess around with some fonts until you find one that looks nice, do some blending (don't go over the top) and you should be done. It's not going to look completely professional, but you can't really expect that given your situation.
Why even bother posting in the thread if you're just going to be snarky and not provide any help?
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