Its a good start actually but i have to agree with Jason, it seems it ended right when the main body of the song was gonna kick in. Right now it just sounds like an extended intro. You’ve got a good idea going, its just impossible to give you any real criticism without the rest of the song. For example, this could actually be the main section of the song and I just have no idea because there isn’t anything after it…
Thanks for the comments and I agree, I’m struggling to get my head around what kinda things I want to happen next, strings, organs, break, bass, kicks, snare’s, fx etc!