Within the next 12 months I am going to be the most famous runner the world has ever known. In order to reach this pre-ordained goal I may need some help, so I hope you don’t mind if this “noob” asks a few questions.
I have never run before and need some advice on how to do it. I walk swiftly on a regular basis and have seen loads of people running over the years so I know it’s not difficult or anything, I just need some help determining stuff like foot placement. Some people have suggested that I first try “jogging” but I am sure they only say that because they don’t know anything about running. So how do you all run? What’s THE SECRET?
I know I will master running within minutes of trying it out but I am not clear on where I should be running to. No doubt professional runners are told where to go but in the months between now and then, I might need some ‘direction’ (lol). Did I also mention that I’m funny? Anyway, which direction do you run in? I have seen some people go left and others go right and I was thinking about combining them by going left and right at the same time. Have any of you tried that? My friends are always telling me that I have crazy ideas that end up being awesome. I know this will be awesome too.
I know I need a $600 pair of professional running shoes but I only have $14.87 in my bank account. Can someone recommend a pair of professional (like REAL professional) running shoes for less than $14? They need to be easy to use, make me run really fast and most importantly, look AWESOME. If anyone lives in my area and would be willing to come round and help me install these bad boys on my feet – that would be AWESOME too – thanks.
My Dad told me that he would buy me a Taco Bell Franchise and a Toyota Yaris if I won a gold medal at the next Olympics. HA! The sucker didn’t even specify which event so I’m going to totally win at some of them (if not all of them). On that subject, can someone send me a link to where I can download the form to enter the Olympics?
I’m running out of time now (again – lol) but I will be posting pictures and maybe some video of me doing my professional running soon. Would be great to get some feedback and if any of you know one of those famous running guys, please send them my videos so they can ask me to play on their running team.
I was a long distance back in the day… Heres tips, get nice comfy running shoes, and u take left leg move forward and put weight onto it followed by right leg and repeat…
Your best bet is to approach a runner and ask for a copy of the location of all their favourite running tracks, to save you the time and effort of finding your own.
Dear Mr. McFarter (I don’t spell so good),
I am retiring. With the awesome talent that you have, my career as a jogger is clearly over. I have a pair of Reeboks (you know the ones with a little tick on the side) that I will sell you for $13.99. My podiatrist says that if you swab them and grow the effluent in a petri dish you could perfect germ warfare. Progressing to a runner from a jogger is quite simple - play some Dub-Step on your iPod - you’ll want to get away from the noise so bad, you will accelerate into a sprint (if that doesn’t work, you can try some Deadmau5). Foot placement is crucial - ALWAYS put the one foot in front of the other. Always run north or south - if you run east or west you will fall off the edge of the world. The Yaris is such a nice little jam-jar - especially in yellow, but you would do better with a KFC franchise. Colonel Sanders is such a nice chap. Remember that if you want to win the sprint events you will need steroids. Your testicles will shrink, but the babes dig biceps. Attached, please find my entry form for London. I clearly have no chance anymore.
Good luck.
May the force be with you.
Sorry duerr - didn’t mean to pontificate, but there’s not a week that goes by that we don’t hear about this in the news. Probably a bigger tragedy than most know. We lost another two just this week. The poachers are armed with AK47s, and are now shooting back at an elite anti-poaching unit.
They hack the horns off and leave these magnificent beasts to bleed to death. Its tragic. And, all because of a myth.
no yeah i’ve heard about that, it’s pretty rough. i guess you hear a lot more about it than we do because it’s happening in your backyard.
i was just trying to maintain the lighthearted jokey vibe of this parody thread about wannabe marathon runners… but having a serious discussion about animal cruelty is cool too.
No shit FEP. When I was doing research for my Masters in the Kruger Park a Land Cruiser got T-boned and flipped on its side by a rhino. That beast will get smi777en to break from a jog into a sprint. Fartlek training will get him to the Olympics!
Lucky for me I was on a fokken horse. It was in limpopo province, beautiful place. It was a big male and his kid had been born about 2 weeks earlier, seems he was a little cranky.
Tip to OP: You’ll always be able to run faster if you’re on a horse.
we’re cool. I agree - as important as this may be - let us not detract from smi777en’s madness 
