You have no idea what an ungodly firestorm you have brought upon yourself sir.
Ohio State 37
Michigan 7
Not to mention…
Not everyone in Ohio speaks with the midwestern nasal twang. Some do. In the Northern part of the state this is certainly the case. But if you move towards the hillier portion of the state, you hear a lot more about warshing dishes and hunnerd dollar bills, but somewhere in the middle everything levels out into a crisp non-accented cadence that is as clear as the words on this screen. In fact, the Ohio accent is the basis of the accent taught to newscasters. Newscasters on the televisual machine, meaning: the Ohio accent is so bland that you wouldn’t even know it if you heard it because there’s nothing to hear except the words, man. The words.
The Wright Brothers were born in Ohio, hence Ohio is the birthplace of aviation. Don’t believe what they’re saying in North Carolina. Yes, Orville and Wilbur Wright took the Wright Flier for its famous test flight in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina – but the Wright Brothers were born in Dayton, Ohio, and they did nearly all of their work on flight here, building wind tunnels and laying down the principles of aeronautics. Kitty Hawk is nothing more than a test site – the Wright’s built and flew the first practical airplane at Huffman Prairie … in Ohio.This is why we have Wright Patterson Air Force Base, Wright State University and W.O. Wrights (a popular watering hole), and hence and so forth and so on Ohio is the birthplace of aviation, okay? Does North Carolina have the Air Force Museum where you can see a Star Wars Pod Racer and a B-12 Bomber? No, it does not.
Alan Freed brought his rock 'n roll radio show to the people and introduced scores of disaffected teens to the rock music, and the rock music was good and it spread throughout the land, and soon everyone was rocking. To commemorate the great city of Cleveland’s contribution to rock 'n roll, you can visit the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame, which is on the waterfront and see for your very own eyes John Lennon’s report card and Jerry Garcia’s final bowel movement which has been preserved for all times in a Mason jar.
Ohio has provided the world with various rockers such as Chrissie Hynde from the Pretenders, Devo (from Akron), Rocket From the Toombs which evolved into Pere Ubu (go Cleveland), Dayton’s own Kim and Kelley Deal from the Breeders and the Amps, the late, great Brainiac (also from Dayton) and the phenomenal Guided by Voices led by Robert Pollard a former fourth grade teacher who crafted arena rock songs on four-track recorders in his basement. For such a strangely conservative little state (if you overlook Dennis Kucinich, that is), Ohio really wants to rock, and rock it does. Why is this? Well, there’s really very little else to do except get fucked up and listen to music with your friends. And that is the key reason Ohio is such a rocking place: It’s Cleveland.
What is it about Michigan that prompts Ohioans to wear T-shirts that proudly state, “Muck Fichigan”? Is it just that Ohioans enjoy a clever play on words or is it because of the rivalry between the two states’ college football teams?
Let it be known that every year during the final game of the Big Ten, between Michigan and Ohio, tensions run high. Ohio State’s coach, the unsinkable Woody Hayes, claimed that he hated Michigan so much that he refused to even spend a dime there. And so when Hayes’ car ran out of gas just miles from the Ohio border, he pushed the car across state lines so that a Michigan gas station wouldn’t profit from him. But the rivalry didn’t begin as a result of college football. No, it began in the nineteenth century when Michigan claimed a piece of land measuring five miles along the Indiana border and eight miles along Lake Erie as its own. The land, dubbed the Toledo Strip, had been surveyed by Ohio at the beginning of its statehood and thusly claimed by Ohio. And yet, in 1835 maps of Michigan Territory began to include a little town named Toledo, Michigan. Ohioans were perturbed and a militia unit was sent post haste to the Toledo Strip. The Michigan militia followed suit, but no shots were fired. In 1836 Michigan gave up their control of the Toledo Strip to Ohio. Now, its been rumored that Michigan gave up the land solely because a presidential election was coming up and Michigan wanted to be made a state so that its residents could vote. By giving up the Toledo Strip, they’d then gain this right. Regardless, both states’ militias stuck around the Toledo Strip until 1837 when Michigan finally realized that it was a hopeless fight and gave up the land for good. So as you can see, Michigan started it.
-A BIT ABOUT MICHIGAN-
Magic Capital of the World…
While Hell and many other towns in Michigan are strong candidates for the title of “the asshole of the state,” there’s only one Colon, Michigan. In an apparent attempt to remove some of its association with the hole that your poop comes out of, Colon declared itself “Magic Capital of the World” in the 1930s. What’s so magical about it? It was the home of Harry Blackstone, a legendary vaudeville-era magician who pioneered such tricks as the vanishing birdcage, dancing handkerchief and floating light bulb. His son, Harry Blackstone Jr., has carried on the tradition and so has the town, holding an annual magic convention for nearly seven decades. Today, one of Colon’s biggest attractions remains the Abbott Magic Novelty Company, which hawks all kinds of magic paraphernalia, like remote control talking skulls, magic wallets and all kinds of card tricks. I don’t know about you, but when I hear Colon – I’m still thinking about buttholes.
The Assholes of Industry…
Bosom buddies, world-changing inventors and major-league cocksuckers Henry Ford and Thomas Edison both grew up in the Great Lakes State. Edison probably wasn’t really guilty of much more than stealing a few inventions and being a cranky old bastard, but Ford should be placed upon a pedestal of shit for his flagrant douchebaggery. An unabashed anti-Semite, Ford printed a newspaper called The Dearborn Independent, a feisty little rag that showcased the automaker’s dissenting views on everything from organized labor to immigration. Over time, old Hank penned so many hate-filled anti-Semitic diatribes that he later published a series of four collections bearing a title as catchy as it was subtle: The International Jew, the World’s Foremost Problem. Among those who found the books to be real pageturners was Adolf Hitler, whose 1922 political campaign received $70,000 from Ford. Hitler kept a framed photo of Ford behind his desk and several German-translated copies of The International Jew, the World’s Foremost Problem in his office for his guests to peruse. In fact, in 1938, in return for his generosity and all-around awesomeness, the Fuhrer sent Nazi diplomats to the US to award Ford the highest honor bestowed upon non-Germans, The Grand Cross of the Order of the German Eagle. At the time, Ford, along with Benito Mussolini, was only one of four people to receive the award.
Two Peninsulas: Lower and Crazy…
Many people think of Michigan only as the mitten-shaped landmass that’s home to Detroit, Flint, Lansing and Grand Rapids. But that’s just the Lower Peninsula or “LP.” Let us not ignore the upper peninsula, or “UP,” home to a rustic band of yokels known as Yoopers. Yoopers call inhabitants of the LP “trolls” because they live below the bridge. Clever, eh? The funniest thing about Yoopers? Some of them want the UP to become the 51st state, a state with the modest moniker of Superior. The craziest thing about Yoopers? Some of them want the UP to secede from the United States. Why do Yoopers want to declare their independence from the trolls so bad? It’s got something to do with the fact that most of the politicians in the state congress shape their legislation around what’s best for the millions in the LP, rather than the thousands in the UP. This, of course, is ignorant of the fact that those in the UP would lose millions of dollars in taxes paid by the trolls, but what can you expect from a lot that makes Fargo look like a Merchant/Ivory flick? Some might wonder if I worry about offending my neighbors to the north, and that’s a wonder worth wondering. Luckily, I’ll probably be dead by the time they get electricity, let alone the Internet.
I win. 