**The Dirty Jokes Thread
**
My old man is FULL of dirty jokes.
We had a BBQ this weekend and he entertained us with endless jokes and limericks.
One that I had a good laugh at:
There was a man named Dave
who fucked a dead dog in a cave
I must admit, he was a bit of a shit,
but think of all the money he saved!
LOL
Any good ones you care to share?
I need to up my game with the old man!
(he is 72 by the way and still drives a bigass motorcycle…)
There was a farmer that needed a new rooster as his old one had passed away. So he goes to a fellow farmer, who said he had a rooster he was willing to sell. As he is buying the rooster, the other farmer tells him the rooster’s name is Brewster, and that he had better keep an eye on him.
“Why do I need to keep an eye on him?” the farmer asked.
“Because he will do it with anything in sight.” the other farmer answers.
The farmer is a little confused, but decides to take Brewster anyway.
Later that morning the farmer hears a wild commotion coming from the chicken pen. He rushes over to see what is going on, and there is Brewster. He has all the hens lined up and is going down the line fornicating like mad. The farmer looks at him and says "Brewster you had better slow down or you are going to kill yourself.
As the farmer sits down to lunch, he hears his pigs squealing and making a racket. When he gets to the pig pen, there’s Brewster with all the sows lined up going to it. The farmer looks at him and says "Brewster you had better slow down or you are going to kill yourself.
In the afternoon, another commotion is heard in the pasture, and sure enough, there’s Brewster with the cows lined up just going at it. The farmer looks at him and says "Brewster you had better slow down or you are going to kill yourself.
As the sun is starting to set the farmer notices buzzards are circling something in the field. When he goes to investigate, he finds poor Brewster laying motionless in the field. The farmer looks down and says “I told you you would kill yourself if you didn’t slow down”
Brewster opens one eye and says “Shhh they’re about to land”
^ lol!
HAHAHAHA Nice one VanGogo!!!
A man witnessed a rape and was called to testify in court. The Judge asked him, “What did you you see sir?”
The man replied, " I stood at the window and looked in m’Lord. They were fucking!"
The judge stopped him and reminded him that they were in a court of law and he needed to choose his words more carefully.
The man stood and thought for a while and replied:
“His shirt was up, his arse was bare.
His balls were hanging in the air.
He put his u know what into her u know where.
Now if that s not fucking m’Lord… i wasn’t there.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two big guys wearing hoodies arrive. Saint Peter looked out through the Gates and said, “Wait here. I’ll be right back.”
Saint Peter goes over to God’s chambers and tells him who is waiting at the entrance. God says to Peter, “How many times do I have to tell you that you can’t be
prejudiced and judgmental here. This is Heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!”
Saint Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God’s chambers and says, “Well they’re gone.”
“The guys wearing the hoodies?'” asked God.
“No. The Pearly Gates”
^^ hahahahaha
Lol good ones!
What is the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend, and a wife?
The hooker says " faster faster"
The girlfriend says " slower slower"
The wife says " beige…I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige"
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after much trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, ‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?’
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I’d say, our son-in-law
Woman came to the market and got in line with two other women at the counter with cucumbers. The first woman says: “I’ll take this long and thin”. Another said: “I pack a couple of shorter but thicker if possible”. Finally she comes on line shop assistant spoke to her saying: What is that you want mam?
“You will give me kilogram of cucumbers please” she said…
“Which will it be smaller, bigger, rough, smooth… ?” seller asked…
“It does not matter dear I need it for a salad”
One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?”
· He replied, “Well, there’s nothing better than an example
· to illustrate that. Imagine that you are laying in a big bed
· with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man
· on the other.
· Who are you going to turn your back on?
^nice 1 bahahaha.
A man walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm.
Bartender asks him “What’s up with the octopus?”
He responds “$1000 says my octopus can play any instrument you put in front of it”
Bartender says “Alright, lets see it. Have it play the piano in the corner”
The guy puts the octopus on the piano and it plays it, beautifully.
People start bringing it other instruments, guitar, trumpet, accordion, it plays everything with ease.
Then someone places a set of bagpipes in front of it. It pokes around, turns it over, lifts up the drones, but doesn’t play it.
The man leans in and says “Come on, play it! you’re embarrassing me!”
The octopus looks up and says “Play it? I’m gonna fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get it’s pajamas off!”
Woman - “men are like handbags. Cheap, full of crap and easily replaced”
Man - “women are like condoms. Spend to much time in YOUR wallet and not enough time on your dick”
Women are the best vehicles in the world because:-
—2 beautiful headlights in the front
—2 great bumpers at the back
—Self -lubrication when hot
—Finger touch ignition
—Automatic engine oil change every month
—Any type of piston fits.
—Multiple seating styles & adjustments
----Great accessories
—Highest mileage 9months with just 5ml refill
—That’s why MEN are dying to own one 
oh my ..
DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER AND A MALE BEER DRINKER:
Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?
Man: Yes.
Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.
Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?
Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.
Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 15 years.
Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3
six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one
year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not
accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000;
correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not
drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No.
Man: So where’s your Ferrari?
HAHAHA…Smooth!
oh snap!
Who’s your baby’s Daddy?
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing ‘Father’s Details,’ or putting it another way…
Who’s your baby’s Daddy?
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and 3 is runner up.
Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks… (The runner-up).
I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s had it replaced.
I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son’s conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia’s dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise.
I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time… well, I don’t have clue..
From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic
Kingdom .
So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can’t be sure which one made you fart. (This made number #1).