The Dirty Jokes Thread [NSFW]

Off-Topic / Lounge
21

Tony and Yvette were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said,

“Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.”

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

“What are the greens fees?,” grumbled Tony..

“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day.”

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to Tony. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”

Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,” he asked.

“That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!”

”No gym to work out at?” said Tony

“Not unless you want to,” was the answer.

“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…”

“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, “You and your f**king Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!”

22

These are from a book called Disorder in the Canadian Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

23

Remind me not to get arrested in Canada, geesh :slight_smile:

24

There was a man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Great big tufts of grass grew out of his arse
But his balls were covered in weeds

The was a man from Boston
Who rode around in an Austin
There was room for his ass, 2 gallons of gas
But his balls hung out, so he lost them

There was a man from Australia
Who painted his arse like a dalia
The colors were bright, the shades all right
But the smell of his arse was a failure

:slight_smile:

Thanks DAD!

25

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.

He asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if
I sit beside you?

The girl replied with a loud voice: “I DON 'T WANT TO
SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly
embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and
said with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I know what a
man is thinking. guess you felt embarrassed, right?

The guy then responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE
NIGHT? . . .THAT 'S TOO MUCH!

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear: “I study law, and I
know how to screw people”.

26

Three old men sat around a table in a nursing home, discussing life, and their respective toilet habits. One of them then asks “If you could have one with, then, what would it be”?

The first replies: I’d just like to take one good long shit, and relieve myself properly. At the moment, I sit there for hours, squeezing, straining and pushing and it just hurts. One good shit would be all I asked for.

The second replies: I would like to take one good long piss. I stand there, it dribbles, it stings and it hurts like mad. Its torturous. I’d just like to have one good, long, satisfying leak. That would be all I asked for.

The third replies: I don’t what you are both talking about! Every morning, at at 5.30 sharp, I take a good piss, get it all out of my system, and then at about 5.45, I have a good strong bowel movement, clear out the guts and Im set for the day. My wish would to be to wake up before 6am!

27

Sal Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.
He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang…
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he’d be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen,
finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his
previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant…

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted,
“You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself!”

“While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!
It’s just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!
For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver!
She will need IV’s; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don’t forget the hygiene care.”

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, “I’m just bullshittin’ with you. She’s dead. What’d you shoot?”

28

Nice really nice. Even I would love to go to heaven and enjoy my life after death:slight_smile:

29

Sarasin the last one was absolutely hilarious..wasn’t dirty though but like it very much..all the others were funny as well and enjoyed them all..it is good to have this thread to once in a while relive the tension and play along lightly.

30

Nice…this forum needs some lightheartedness…too many badass wannabe’s!

:wink:

31

lol

32

Amanda and todd were having problems in there relationship so decided to get help.
Counselor- Now Todd, Tell me something posetive and something negative about Amanda’s mother.
Todd- well she is a great cook, but she is sometimes very racist.
Counselor- Tell me an example.
Todd- Well last easter, we went shopping and she got in a discussion with a black man. It ended quickly, because the police broke it up. She was later charged with hat crimes.
Counselor- Why is that.
Todd- She started screaming- ABOUT 100 EARS AGO YOU Couldn’t EVEN TALK WITHOUT GETTING WHIPPED 50 times!!!
COUNSELOR-know Amanda, tell me something positive about his mother and something negative.
Amanda- Well shes like a shotgun. To c***s and she blows.
Counselor- And positive?
Amanda-She doesn’t kill you when she finishes blowing…But she does make you shoot.

33

I guess some more jokes are needed out here to calm down the heat off these bad assess..

34

Just…stop.

35

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a
nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had
to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa “How
do you like it here?” asked the grandson

“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,” said
grandpa.

“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place
for you, since you are a little different from everyone.”

“Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,”
Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There’s a musician here - he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin
in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench
in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour!

There’s a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth for 25
years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And Me - I haven’t had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The
Fucking Arab

36

Classic bro!!

:slight_smile:

37

Husband walking behind his Wife says, "Baby u become so fat…ur bums look lyk a washing machine!!‘’
The wife keeps quiet and keeps walking…

At night the husband asks for sex..
Wife,Sory Darling..I cant start d washing machine for such a small load !!
Why don’t you do a hand wash! :slight_smile:

38

haha great posts by farhan!

39

Ole was turning 78 and was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

The doctor said, “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When Ole returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

Ole nodded… “I’ll tell you though, by God, I thought I wuz gonna drop dead on dat 3rd day.”

“From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“Hell no, it wuz from all dat damn skippin!”

40

Two Catholics fuck a hooker. Who goes to confession?

Answer: The hooker. Shes the only one with morals.