The official ‘JOKE’ thread
Note: Please keep in mind this is an all ages forum and think twice about what you post. Try and keep it PG, & no Racism 
As im a Kiwi, im going to start us of with a sheep joke before you all flog us 
An Australian was walking along a country road in New Zealand when he saw a farmer going at it with a sheep.
The Aussie yelled, “You know, mate, back home, we shear those!”
The New Zealander looked around frantically and said, “I’m not shearing her with no one!”
Three Aussie blokes are driving home from a hard day working at the kangaroo husbandry instutute when they come across a sheep stuck in a fence.
The first bloke has a good look and says to the others “Gee mate, i wish that was Miranda Kerr ..”
To which the second bloke replies “Hmm, I wish that was Lara Bingle ay mates ..”
The third bloke looks at the other two, thinks for a bit and replies " I wish it was dark."
A horse walks into a bar, The bartender looks at the horse and says
“why the long… penis”
My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.”
I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going, ‘cuz when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Be on the lookout for hardened criminals.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar… The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, we don’t serve food here.”
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both drink like there is no tomorrow. eventually the giraffe passes out pissed so the man puts on his coat and goes to walk out. The bar owner shouts “hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there”. The man replies “its no a lion its a giraffe!” 
@sarasin, lololololololololol 
You win, close thread 
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, this little tiny lizard comes up to him and asks “what are you doing?” The monkey explains that he had a hard day and is unwinding and invites the tiny little lizard to join him. They get lit, and the little lizard points out that he’s gotten very thirsty, and needs a drink. The monkey points to a river in the distance, and sends the little lizard on his way. When the tiny little lizard gets to the water and starts drinking, a huge crocodile swims up and demands to know what the little lizard is doing. The lizard explains that he was smoking with a monkey, and needed some water. The crocodile doesn’t believe the little lizard, and heads off into the forest to take a look. When he gets to the bottom of the tree the monkey is in, he yells up to him “what are you doing up there monkey?” The monkey looks down and sees the huge crocodile and says “shit dude, how much water did you drink???”
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask
him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice said, “Honey, remember the jewelry store we went into 10 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and
I told you that I would get it for you one day”.
His wife said, beginning to cry, “Yes! I remember that jewelry store”.
He said, “Well, I’m in the bar next to it.”
I kinda pissed myself when my sister told it to me.
My dad sent it to her via email.
I keep picturing it!
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!
What’s the difference between a girlfriend, a prostitute, and a wife?
The girlfriend says slower slower
The prostitute says faster faster
And the wife says…beige, I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige
Socially Unacceptable Humor
I was in bed with a blind girl last night. She said my penis was the biggest she’d ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg!”
My girlfriend thinks I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend… yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until the doctor stuck his finger up my butt. Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband, “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back!” He says, “What did you expect? You’re in a wheel chair!”
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she’d like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening!”
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the thrift shop and got back all her clothes.
A buddy of mine was just telling me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said, “Her brother’s got a mustache.”
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip I said to the
lady at the registration desk, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.”
To which she replied, “No, it’s regular-people porn, you sick bastard!”
[Racist jokes have been deleted. However ‘light’ the racism maybe ‘perceived’ DJTT is not the place for it. And also, the race of the poster is of no consequence.]
^ Full of win
An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?
The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks."
“The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and he’s an ex-All Black lock.”
“Next to him is a bloke who’s 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he’s a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?”
The first bloke says, “Nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it three times.”
A wife asks her engineer husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six.”
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?”
To which he replied, “They had eggs.”
As an Engineer, I approve of this joke …
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to
hoover the house. Turns out she was a …Slovak
A girl in a bar said to me , “I wouldn’t sleep
with you if you were the last
person alive!!‘’
Leaning over, I replied, " But who would be around to stop
me?”
That wiped the smug look right off her face.
I’m busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest…!!!
I saw the mother in law walking down the path so i jumped from behind the garage and shouted BOO!
She said you nearly frightened me to death, so i shouted BOO! BOO! BOO!
I was going to make a joke about my Gf’s cooking
Then I realised it was in bad taste
I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn’t…!!!
I LOL’ed.
*What’s the most sensitive part on a man’s body when he is masturbating?
*His ears