The Dirty Jokes Thread [NSFW]

Off-Topic / Lounge
41

Tony and Yvette were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said,

“Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.”

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

“What are the greens fees?,” grumbled Tony..

“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day.”

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to Tony. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”

Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,” he asked.

“That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!”

”No gym to work out at?” said Tony

“Not unless you want to,” was the answer.

“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…”

“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, “You and your f**king Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!”

42

It is nice to see all the members suddenly jumping in this thread…nice jokes all of you..

43

A man walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm.

Bartender asks him “What’s up with the octopus?”

He responds “$1000 says my octopus can play any instrument you put in front of it”

Bartender says “Alright, lets see it. Have it play the piano in the corner”

The guy puts the octopus on the piano and it plays it, beautifully.

People start bringing it other instruments, guitar, trumpet, accordion, it plays everything with ease.

Then someone places a set of bagpipes in front of it. It pokes around, turns it over, lifts up the drones, but doesn’t play it.

The man leans in and says “Come on, play it! you’re embarrassing me!”

The octopus looks up and says “Play it? I’m gonna fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get it’s pajamas off!”

44

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down… and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device… a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

‘You impotent bastard,’ She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!’

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

‘I’ll explain the toy, you explain the kids.’

45

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?(Yep. You betcha. There is a moral!)

'When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Harley to pick up chicks!

46

works for me :wink:

47

Employee: sir, Santa is standing outside ur cabin with bunch of underwears in a basket. Boss: Holy shit!!! I told him to debrief his team nd meet me in 15 mins..

48

My dad told me these yesterday…Fathers Day and all. I almost pissed my pants!

There once was a man named Keith
Who circumcised men with his teeth
He didn’t do it for leisure
Or sexual pleasure
But did it for the cheese underneath

There was a young girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought babies came only from God.
T’wasn’t the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie.
T’was Roger the Lodger, the sod!

There once was a man from Bel Air,
Who was doing his girl on the stair.
When the banister broke,
He doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.

There once was a man from Bombay
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
But the heat from his prick
Turned the damn thing to brick
And it ripped all his foreskin away.

49

50

Looool

51

FOR SALE - Complete set of Encyclopedia in good condition.
Reason for selling: No longer needed. Got married. Wife knows EVERYTHING!"=))

52

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.
Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

53

Funny, it’s OK to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians,
the Irish, the Italians, the Polish etc etc,
but its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims.
The sooner we are all on same level playing field the better.
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

  1. If you refine heroin for a living,
    but you have a moral objection to liquor,
    You may be a Muslim.

  2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000
    rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes,
    You may be a Muslim.

  3. If you have more wives than teeth,
    You may be a Muslim.

  4. If you wipe your bum with your bare hand
    ut consider bacon to be unclean,
    You may be a Muslim.

  5. If you think vests come in two styles:
    Bullet-proof and suicide.
    You may be a Muslim

  6. If you can’t think of anyone
    you haven’t declared jihad against,
    You may be a Muslim.

  7. If you consider television dangerous
    but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
    You may be a Muslim.

  8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones
    have uses other than setting off roadside bombs,
    You may be a Muslim.

  9. If you have nothing against women
    and think every man should own at least four,
    You may be a Muslim.

54

HAHAHAHA…Good one!

55

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane The next day, he called home to tell his father the news.

‘So, did you jump?’ asked the father.

‘Well, let me tell you what happened,’ the son said. ‘We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers.
About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane.’

‘Is that when you jumped?’ asked his father.

‘Uh, no. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.’

‘Did you jump then?’ asked his father

‘I’m getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump.
He told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my butt.’

‘So, did you jump?’

‘No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, ‘Are you gonna jump or not?’’

‘I said, ‘No sir, I’m too scared.’ So the Jump Master pulled down his
zipper and took out his you-know-what. I swear, dad, it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, ‘Either you jump out that door, or I’m sticking this little baby up your ass.’’

‘So, did you jump?’ asked his father.

'Well, I did a little, at first.

56

What do Brussels sprouts and anal sex have in common?

If it was forced on you as a child, you probably won’t like it as an adult.

57

During sex, I suddenly stop moving.. She: “What are you doing?” Me: “Shhh it’s ok, I’ve seen this on Pornhub, it’s called Buffering.” =D =))

58

Hahahahahahaha… nice dirty joke…I really found this place really amazing to have fun and entertainment.

59

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina and he visited a fourth grade class.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ’ tragedy. ’
So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy.’
One little boy stood up and offered: If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor run him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
“No,” said Obama, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that
would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explained Obama.“That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room.
“Isn ’ t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: “If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a ’ friendly fire ’ missile
and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Obama. “That ’ s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says Johnny, “It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss…and you can bet your ass it wouldn’t be an accident either!”

60

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
“How many children?” asks the welfare officer.
“Ten” replies the Liverpool girl,
“Ten?” says the welfare worker.
“What are their names?”
“Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan”
“Doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Naah…” says the Liverpool girl, "It’s great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout ‘Nathan yer dinner’s ready!’ or ‘Nathan go to bed now!’ and they all do it.
“What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the curious welfare worker.
“That’s easy,” says the Liverpool girl… “I just use their surnames”