Q: How many mods does it take to close a thread?
A: ALL OF THEM!
I see what you did there 
apologies if this thread has offended anyone. I mean no disrespect to any member 
He said member 
my member is offended zane.
Got to be quick witted around these parts of town I see. 
without a doubt I respect the mod squad
and Jester *that awkward moment when you offend a mods member 
:eek:
She was standing in the kitchen,
preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
“You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen
table.
Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,
“What was that all about?”
She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
facepalm
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?”
Patrick addressed the class: “Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve
brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we
come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up
our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father
Christmas to come with all our toys.”
“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at
Christmas?”
“Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad
and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and
milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep,
waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.”
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave
him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you
do at Christmas?”
Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year…Dad comes home
from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to
Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty
shelves…and begin to sing ‘What A Friend We Have in Jesus’. Then we
all go to the Bahamas .”
Valentines Day.
Dinner 80pound.
Drinks 50pound.
Taxi Fare 10pound.
Hotel 250pound.
The look on your face when she says “I’m on my period”..
Priceless.
I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, “That’s us in 10 years”.
He said "That’s a mirror, dip-shit!
Q) What do Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?
A) Icy dead people
HAHAH…thats where I got my joke I posted!
The same bunch were forwarded to me.
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan , KS.
I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something—body language, or the way she said it—made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .357 Magnum in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of. She looked me right in the eye and said, “Not a fucking thing!”
No. Thats not how it works around here. You have been warned before.
No jokes about race. When you know you will offend someone, stop and dont post it.
Ive reported your original post to Admin. You simply CANNOT post jokes about black people on this forum.
^ sorry, take that back.
Snow is like a cock, its measured in inches, soft to the touch, cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you’d like it. Driving in the snow is like eating pussy. If you don’t slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you! BE CAREFUL THIS WINTER!!
You are full of lol’s farhanashraf.
Please don’t get to excited and ruin the thread by breaking the rules as Karlos has mentioned twice in this one.
keep them coming though mate
iatf
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
A wife says to her husband, “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says, “What do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.”
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening.”
My wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a mustache.”
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” To which she replied, “No, it’s regular porn, you sick bastard.”
When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I didn’t pass the entrance exam.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect.
.
Those who spelled SPINE became Doctors.
.
The rest are all my friends..
Why did the scarecrow get promoted? He was out-standing in his field! 
The C.E.O. was walking in d factory, he noticed a guy leaning against the wall, looking somewhere.. He approched d man & asked him, “How much do you earn?”
guy was amazed n said, “2000, sir.”
CEO took out wallet n gave the guy 6000 n told him, “I pay people here 2 work n not 2 waste time.. This is ur 3 month’s salary n now get out of here NEVER come back..”
The CEO now looked at other workers & asked, “Who was that guy?”
Workers replied, “He was d pizza delivery guy sir…”